Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i wish my penis had a tongue
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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