I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
