i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
