I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
