im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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