He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I still have a little drunk in my system
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
