Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
