and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
