It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
