i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
