$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.