my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
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Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
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That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.