I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
