We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!