i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
