drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the day after is always just damage control
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?