mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
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Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.