Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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