ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
