If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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