In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Nicole vs. Life
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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