How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
