Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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