I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
