I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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