i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
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It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We need to get me chipped asap
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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