I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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