If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
