It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
