This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
