i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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