i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
