You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
