we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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