apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
