It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
