Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
