He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
