Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He? As in you personified your dick?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
