Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
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I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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