Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
