remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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