How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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