mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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