He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
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