Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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