So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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