Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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