i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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