I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him