I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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