You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
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I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
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Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.