the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE