Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
