Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
