Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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