On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
