If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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