I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
