Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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