dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
