Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
