Ambien. No doubt about it.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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