He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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