this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Come on in and take your pants off
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