Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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