somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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