someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
