seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
