I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
