if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
