If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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