the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
